She has a history of addiction. She has moved in the group from "I want freedom from illegal substances" to "I'm not ready to quit" to "I want to quit. I'm ready for help."
The last gathering, I looked intently into her eyes. I assured her even if she relapsed, that could be the point of beginning again.
Implied in those words, and as I communicated with the whole group, is, "I believe in you. You may relapse. If it happens, see it as a new opportunity. Whatever happens, never stop believing in yourself." Many persons have never been given permission to fail and still believe in themselves. Many have never been given consent to believe in themselves, period. We can do that for each other.
* * *
The late Soto Zen Teacher, Suzuki Roshi," said, "The Way is one mistake after another." "Mistake" is a mis-take. We can never get life just right. We play a piano. And regardless of how well we play, we never play perfectly. We can do our best but never get it as right as it theoretically can be. We are always living a mistake. But we can say, likewise, "The Way is one new start after another."
People who try meditation can try to the point of utter discouragement. Meditation is one mistake after another, too. Meditation is life. In Silence, we practice always-beginning-again. Doing this can be humorous.
Doing our best, mistake after mistake, is the best. That is the paradox. Perfection is mistake after mistake. Perfection is starting over again and starting over again.
* * *
I once got caught up in trying to find the ideal-tasting coffee. I was spending way too much money on the search. No coffee was the best. Trying to do our best, we miss the joy in the inevitable less-than-best. When the seeking stops, we relax and see our best self is here. See, our best is not principally about behaviors, it is about ourselves before we do anything. Whatever coffee you drink is the best of that coffee you drink; therefore, it is the best.
Remember, we are not human doers, we are human beings. Our desire to make better choices and live more wholesome lives arises from that self already in harmony with that aspiration to live better. Without that innate innocence, the aspiration would not occur. We are not trying to get that best self, we are on a path to become reacquainted with it.
* * *
A spiritual being sees the beauty in others no misbehaviors can ever touch. This seeing is a reason they can live in compassion. From this seeing, such beings remind others that the innocent self the other cannot presently believe can be true - at least not for them - is true. We can aspire to see others before they can find a way to see themselves. We know they are not the appearance they think they are but are spirit appearing as an appearance.
* * *
When I looked at that group - only one in recovery - I did not see addicts first. I saw dear souls first, spirits dressed in human flesh like I am, beings who have been broken as I have been, and persons who most deeply want to be loved as we all do. They and I, and you, are essentially no different from each other. What we have done or not done has not changed that we are.
I wanted to convey to the group a message - taking or not, you are worthy of love, love from others, and self-love. We can embody grace by encouraging others who have struggled to stand to get up and begin again before they once again stumble and fall. Could it be sometimes we need permission to fall, knowing if we do, we will seen as we were seen before we ever fell the first time?
* * *
After weeks of work in the group, she was preparing to walk out. She said she hoped not to see me again due to being released. I told her I hoped not to see her again, too, but that saying such felt odd. We laughed, seeing the humor in the back-and-forth jocularity. I left remembering, somewhere in the laughter and words, she said, "I love you but do not want to see you again." "I love you ..." ... precious words, precious the sense she felt accepted, welcomed into a safe space where she was treated as an equal. We are all equals. It is just many have not come to that recognition.
* * *
Love brings us home together, and home is not somewhere else, it is here. Home is not to the person we may become but that we are now. When we provide compassionate affirmation to another, regardless of what they do afterward with their lives, at least we give them the gift of amazing grace for a moment. And that will always make some difference. Love is its own end by loving.
* * *
When the group ends, I depart, not worried about what the group members will do on release. Possibly, they will get help and get into recovery. I did my best facilitating the group, providing a safe, sacred space for nonjudgmental sharing. I welcomed the tears that were shed. With that, I am content. Why not be? Somehow, we change but are never not the same. Somehow, we change, together. I go home changed in a way I may never know.
*Brian's book, An Ache for Union: Poems on Oneness with God through Love, can be ordered through major online booksellers or the publisher AuthorHouse.
